God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
