I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
