Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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