oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
