the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
