I hope mine doesn't look like that
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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