I hate your face
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
