She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
wow bdsm is so cute
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
