I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
