apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
