that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
