your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
