youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
