I am spending my child support on dildos
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
