i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
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