so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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