As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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