my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
