If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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