Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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