Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
