I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
