You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
