Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
