Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
