I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
