Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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