I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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