wat bout pragnant strippers??
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
