just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
