I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
