i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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