I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
