The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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