he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just gargled with NyQuil
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
