Already got asked if we're dating
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
