dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
