who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
