Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
