Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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