brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
