they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My life is pants optional.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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