when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
