he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
