Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
