Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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