i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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