drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
