sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Couch. On fire.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
