Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
