I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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