I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
