My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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