evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
