Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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