I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
