I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
