Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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